Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Forgotten Child's LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 3rd, 2003
9:55 pm	new Journal Hey ya'll i have a new journal, and i just wanted to let ya'll know if you wanted to add me go ahead just please leave a message so i know whom you are, my new journal is boi_of_despair ♀I Have Been Forsaken 1 Time ~ Forsake Me♂
Monday, November 25th, 2002
8:44 pm	Falling It is starting again, for a while i was so happy, all my friends can tell you that, ever since i was going out with Jamaal, he made me so happy, for once i was no longer depressed just happy, but now he has broken up with me, he says it was for his own good, not to get too attached before he moved, but i can't help but thinking it was something i did, something i did wrong. But now that we have broken up, i have began to fall back into that depression that i know so well, I no longer know what to do, i am on medicine for depression but it truly doesn't seem to be working, I tried killing myself two times before, and you know they say third times the charm, but i don't even know if i have the balls to do it again, but only time will tell but the way my life is going it will only be a short time, I am truly scared and i don't know who to turn to, i am afraid by turning to jamaal it will only hurt him, and turning to others will just make me seem like more drama, the only person i feel like i can turn to is Ryan, but he has left me again, i just feel alone, but i have been this way before and i just have to turn to my own devices, i suppose i should tell you bye because i don't know if this will be my last entry or not, i love all of you on livejournal and hope you lead happier lives than i have. Aaron ♀I Have Been Forsaken 1 Time ~ Forsake Me♂
Monday, November 11th, 2002
3:35 pm	First Ryan....Now Me So I was gone to orlando since friday morning to stay with some relatives and i got back today, on my flights back while in ATL i was able to use one of those internet terminals to check my e-mail and shit, while i was on the terminal i decided to look at my Livejournal and stuff and see what was up, well firstly someone appearently hacked it, changed my password to FuckAaron (luckily they didn't change my e-mail) and then wrote something very cruel about jamal and very hurtful towards one of my best friends ryan, I truly have no idea who did this, i wish i knew, but let me clear a few things up... firstly i didn't hang out with Jamal that day they said i did, actually i hadn't seen him in a while, if i remember right not since last monday before i left, secondly i do not like jamal in that way anymore, i will admit at one time i did but not anymore in fact i actually like kostas now, and everyone who i have talked to in the past few weeks knows that, i will also admit that i did say something to jamal out of ryans journal, that was very wrong of me and i apologize so profusely, it was a major mistake and i promise ryan that i wil never do it again, and i mean never, he has a write to be comepletely mad at me, but the things that were said about him are completely not my feelings toward him, they are actually very much so the opposite, next, anyone who knows me well enough knows i care more for ryan than probably even myself, and i would never do anything to hurt him. So that is it, i hope i will find out soon who this was. ♀I Have Been Forsaken 7 Times ~ Forsake Me♂
Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
4:50 pm	Yep pretty much... the slut!!!! Take the What animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz ♀Forsake Me♂
Friday, November 1st, 2002
9:30 pm	Tired... I am tired of all this shit all this drama, the drama of being in highschool of being gay of all of this, of the people i have to deal with in highschool and some of the people i deal with outside of highschool, i have said for a long time i just want to get out, just want to leave it all, up until now i always thought the only way was to just kill myself, but now i see it isn't the only way, I have been in contact with someone who is willing to take me in willing to take care of me, i am leaving this friday to go there, I plan to enroll in a school there as soon as i can, luckily he knows what he is doing so he can be my legal gaurdian and shit, I truly wish Ryan could come with me, there are so many things i have yet to exlpore that i wish he were here to help me explore them like my best friend should be, but he has dissapeared again, i would like to atleast tell him good bye but i guess i can't. I have finally found a release from all this shit and all this drama and i refuse to ever look back. ♀I Have Been Forsaken 13 Times ~ Forsake Me♂
Monday, October 28th, 2002
4:48 pm	Fucked up.... I really am a screwed up person i truly am suprised i have anyone left, i tried to kill myself again saturday, it was just one big mistake once again, it started when my ex, mickie, whom i was looking foward to going back out with becuase he is the first person i truly like besides ryan, well he told me he no longer liked me, and that got me really depressed, and then this girl abbey told em that everyone hated me, and then i overheard allana talking shit about me and so i started believing everyone hated me and so i was just really depressed about it all. Mickie is really mad at me now, i really care about him, and i really don't like him being mad at me, he is mad becuase last time i tried commiting suicide i had promised not to do it again, i am really sorry i did, i just got really depressed, i am so worried i migght lose his friendship now, it even scares me more than when i think i am losing ryan's it is weird but i guess i am more scred to lose mickie than i am to lose ryan. ♀I Have Been Forsaken 1 Time ~ Forsake Me♂
Thursday, October 17th, 2002
7:14 pm	Exactly what i love.... What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla ♀Forsake Me♂
Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
6:06 am	Fear of loss..... This weekend a girl i know dies in a one car accident, people from my school have dies before, but i have never been this close to the person, i have actually never known the person before, but this girl has sat in the same class as me since the begginning of the year, she has sat next to me most of that time, her and i were friends, i have never known someone who has died and was my age, it made me realize something, i am so scared of losing the otehr people in my life, my friends, this girl was a friend and i shall miss her but what of those i still have, last night katie ryan and ivan went out to the club, it was raining so hard, and even katie, whom was driving, was saying she didn't feel good about the rain, I am so scared that they are not ok, so scared that something has happened to them, especially ryan, I am so scared of losing my friends, of losing ryan, i can't be left alone i just can't, death scares me so much, when i tried killing myself it was different, it was my choice but the unknown of death scares me so much, and other than that, i can die, but i can't let those around me die, i can't let those leave me, i can't be left alone, i have been up all night worrying and having panic attacks, i threw up twice ths morning, i just don't know if i can actually go to school with everyone talking about the girl, i just don't know, i might just go and spend the day at ivan's around friends, i even think ryan might be there, i just don't think i can stay a school, or i will probably have a panic attack and start freaking out like all day today, i just don't know, it scares me so much, i can't be left alone, i need ryan, that is why i always tried to get so close to him, so i knew i wouldn't lose him, I do truly love him, and he above all else is who I am afraid most of losing i need him with me, i need his help his guidance, i just can't lose him, i just can't.... ♀I Have Been Forsaken 1 Time ~ Forsake Me♂
Sunday, October 13th, 2002
4:27 pm	One last plea~ ok i understand, i truly will miss you i will, and i will always hope you will let me back into your life, that you will one day right journal entries about me like you used to, but please ryan, just let me still be your friend, please just let me still be that, talk to me on aim, please that is all i ask, and atleast talk to me over LJ reply to my posts, let me know you are still there, just let me know you actually care about how my life is turning out, and what i am doing in it. ♀I Have Been Forsaken 1 Time ~ Forsake Me♂
10:14 am	Past Mistakes Today I realized something... once before earlier this summer i would call ryan around 10 and would go pick him up and we would hang out and go to the mall and all that just for the hell of it, we were always hanging out making each other laugh and just having fun, it was truly the happiest days of my life, he brought me such joyous bliss, the only tim ein my life i can truly remember being happy. But somewhere during this summer I appearently screwed up, i appearently did something wrong, what started out as the best friendship i ever had, probably the best friendship i will ever have, turned into me pushing ryan away. All i want is what him and i had before that friendship where we both worked on making the other happy, that is truly all i want, yet it seems i have already scrwed up to the point where that is appearently impossible, he has began to replace me already, he has began to forget about me, my greatest fear is for him to forget me, and it seems to be comeing true, he has told me to go away that he doesn't want to see me, he has began to hang around with people he used to tell me to stay away from, he has began to forget, all i want is that friendship we had that fun we had, i know it would be hard because of my feelings for him, but all i ask is for his understanding his, compassion, his friendship again, but i suppose i have already ruined that... ♀I Have Been Forsaken 1 Time ~ Forsake Me♂
Saturday, October 12th, 2002
8:19 pm	Lonliness I am so scared i really am, i don't know why i am jsut crying and shit, and i don't know why, all these emotions are just so fucking over whelming, please someone just anyone call me and let me know i am not by myself, just please someone, i just need someone, i am so scared i really am, please just call me tell me you care, tell me i am not alone, i just need someone, i don't know why i am like this i just am, i am just so depressed right now, i don't know why, i just really can't stand this anymore.... please just i feel alone, someone anyone please call and let me know you are there, let me know someone is there and will talk to me and care for me,please just anyone call me and let me know you are there....please... just anyone... so i won't be alone...I will probably be awake all night, probably just crying so just please call me and let me know it will be ok just let me know someone who cares about me even just alittle is out there and will talk to me until i feel better.. and try to help me. ♀I Have Been Forsaken 2 Times ~ Forsake Me♂
4:38 pm	Gifts for a friend... Some people say that ryan uses me but i truly don't think he does, i have done everything out of the goodness of my own heart in the prospects of him being happy, maybe not completely being with me, but atleast with being happy, because that is what i want for him, so today i decided to go ahead and get the tickeys to rent, i will be picking them up sometime this week, and also i decided to buy tickets to ryan's favorite musical Jekyll and Hyde, it will beplaying at UWF i truly hope he will enjoy both. Also i know he has been looking for The Nightmare before christmas on DVD so i went ahead and ordered it for him as well as it's soundtrack, I know i really fucked up mine and his friendship and so i am doing what i can to try and make it better, I truly hope he likes all of this and hopes he enjoys out time together when we go to see them. ♀Forsake Me♂
2:26 pm	Aaron's Story, Part I: The Meeting This is a story I posted in my other journal and am wanting to now post in this journal simply for it to be here: As Aaron entered the room of Mrs. Marilyn McGill, on this early Saturday morning in February, he was greeted my many of his fellow debaters. While Sarah was organizing the concessions and Chris searching for the extemp topics, Aaron simply set down the food he brought and told them he was going ahead to the cafeteria to join the rest of the team there. Right as Aaron turned to walk out the door, Frank a judge and past team member, walked in accompanied by someone else, someone Aaron had never seen. This someone else, this stranger caught Aaron’s attention. Frank introduced the stranger to everyone as Ryan. To Aaron, Ryan was pure beauty. Not just his body but something else something Aaron had yet to understand, and soon as Aaron would find out it would also be Ryan’s voice, attitude and sense of humor that made Ryan even more beautiful to Aaron. All of these things soon came together into what Aaron saw as perfection, as beauty. Aaron, young and stupid, began feeling things, emotions, he never thought existed, let alone he should even feel. Aaron was a complete cynic, he didn’t believe in love. Hell he didn’t believe in emotions, he never had them before, h never needed them. He thought that no one, especially gay men were meant to love, only fuck. He had envisioned a life of nothing but fucking and being fucked. He never imagined nor never wanted love, and especially the emotions which accompany it. All of this changed in one day, in one ‘Hello’. From the moment Aaron saw Ryan he felt something, a beauty, which he had never felt before. Aaron couldn’t get up enough courage all day to talk to Ryan. Ryan was beautiful, so much more so than Aaron. In fact, Aaron wasn’t attractive. He was short, chubby, and ugly. Aaron didn’t imagine in his wildest dreams that Ryan would even acknowledge Aaron’s presence let alone want to talk to him. Above all that, Aaron was convinced Ryan wasn’t gay. At the end of the tournament, after a day of Aaron watching Ryan from afar, Cathy decided to have a small group dinner at her house, followed by a movie. As Aaron drove to Cathy’s he prayed that Ryan would also be there, but he wasn’t. ♀Forsake Me♂
Friday, October 11th, 2002
5:15 pm	Poetry from the soul... Well i justed posted my first poem in this journal and i suppose i will post a few more also, I love writing, but i am just not sure if i am that good at it, i think they aren't too good, but oh well i guess i will just post them anyway, most are just about ryan, other about things, I hope you all enjoy and if you like or even don't like, give me a heads up and drop my a line with your advice and constructive critism. ♀Forsake Me♂
5:11 pm	Poems written while insane.... Well here is a poem i wrote while in the psych ward still, i was doubting putting it here but what the hell? i mean it is my journal right?: When I needed someone, I thought he was gone. When i loved him, I thought he didn't care. When I cried, I thought he laughed. When i reached for him, I thought he ran. when i tried to talk, I thought he yelled. When i worried, I thought he hated. When i was dieing, I thought he mocked. When i needed him, Truly needed him, And i thought he would be gone, He was there. ♀Forsake Me♂
5:05 pm	Misguided Friends.... I am so pissed right now, more frustrated and worried than pissed, last night a friend of mine katie, was at frankly's, ryan showed up there and and while he was trying to hit on some guys who were there she was giving him all kinds of shit, like saying shit like 'going to make them commit suicide?' and shit like that, i know she was trying to look out for me, but it just pisses me off that she upset ryan that much, i love him and want nothing bad to come of him, so i am just kinda angry as it is that she did this to him without even letting me know, it was so not cool what she did, i love him and no one screws with him, i don't care if she is looking out for me or what ever she was trying but it just makes me so mad that she would do that to him, to someone she knows i care so much about, i will have to talk to her soon about it, and explain to her why that is so not kool. ♀Forsake Me♂
4:54 pm	Ryan's Poem.... This is a poem ryan gave me last weekend everytime i felt bad today i just read it and remembered how much he cares, this is probably my most precious possesions, I love him, I truly do, and no matter what others may say i know it is love, pure love, he may not see it, but i just hopre he realizes i care about him so much, and that he makes me so happy, just becuase he is himself, well here is the poem, enjoy and glimpse at just part of true beauty, beauty which i have seen: You have a future, I do not. Your parents care about you, mine however do not! You love me, I do not. You have time to become something great. I am just some who can say beautiful things but never truly know beautiful. I am jealous for you found love, though i have not. You're far better than I will ever be. Everyone tells you to hate me yet you don't. I see through eyes of a limited mind, and you see what you want. You are my friend and although my words are harsh, i want nothing but goodness. Maybe someday when we have our lives. Evil traps my heart and you still see past that. young? yes! stupid? Never! My Friend? Forever ♀Forsake Me♂
Thursday, October 10th, 2002
9:39 pm	Ryan, This is a letter i wrote while still in the hospital it is a letter to ryan, and i decided to post it here: Ryan, I realize after what i have done that you are probably angry, That you probably don't care. I am truly sorry for what i ahve done. I truly care about, I do do much. Please don't think i did this to hurt you. Please know i love you more than anything in my world. PLease just know that you just being around makes me so happy. I never want to hurt you. I love you so much more than you will probably ever know. I know you probably don't want to takl to me, let alone see me. PLease just know that i care about you, that i will always worry about you. i realize you were giving me one last chance tuesday, I realize i screwed that up. Please Ryan just be there for me, I still love you, and just let me love you, I jsut need you to understand, understand that i still love you, and that i still care about you. I am fucked up, you know that, you have said that many times. I need to find myself, i hope you will be there to help me find the way. you have gone through a lot of what i am dealing with now. I know my feelings for you make things different, and somewhat difficult, but i need your help, advice, and comfort. In this turbulant times i am facing, I love you and i always will. Love, Aaron ♀I Have Been Forsaken 2 Times ~ Forsake Me♂
9:29 pm	Assignment #4 This is a worksheet I had to do while at the hospital i really wanted to share it online: 'Blame is an easy tool that everyone uses. Who have you blamed for the results of your own behavior. Is there anything you have told them that you would liek to take back.' I have blamed Ryan a lot for many of the things I have done in the past, mush of my depression, and many of my tears i have blamed on him. Simply becuase he has not given me the chance in a romantic way which i always thought i deserved, I have blamed him many times for this in the past even though he should not be, it is his choice and not mine. I just wish i had the chance to apologize to him for what i have told him in the past. ♀Forsake Me♂
9:09 pm	Pain I cause others........ well today i was watching an episode of Will and Grace and one part really got to me and even made me start to cry, it was something Grace said to will, and it made me think if that is what ryan thinks about me, if that is what he wants to yell at me, i can't remember the full thing but basically it was "I am sorry that I met someone, because I know how much you hate it when I am happy, I know how happy you are when I am miserable because then you don’t have to look at how miserable you are" it made me cry so much because it sounded basically what Ryan put down in a recent journal entry of his, i care for him so much, and i would never want to intentionally do this to him. I just wonder if maybe i should have stayed in the hospital for him, maybe he would be happier, i am just so not sure, please don;t worry i am not planning anything, just wondering if maybe i do hurt him more than anything else. ♀Forsake Me♂